Thursday, August 23, 2012
I am not a motivational speaker. But something big happened last week. As I have been pondering it and pre-writing this post in my head I keep using cliches that motivational speakers build their lives on. So I sorta feel like one. Hence the title.
On Friday, August 17th I had an epiphany. I experienced a major paradigm shift. My life will never be the same. (See what I mean?) I was kneeling on the floor to change my baby's diaper. More than the diaper was changed by the time I stood up, though. (Ugh. Even I groaned at that one.) As I was doing the very routine duty of caring for my son a thought landed so squarely on my head that it slammed all the way down into my heart. Here it is: "I am no longer trying to adopt a baby. I'm just getting ready, in case God wants me to."
It sounds simple, but it is dramatic for me. My heart and mind have been so filled with peace since that moment.
I've known for awhile now that I have no control over my family. Both times my husband and I decided we wanted a biological child a major refusal from God reminded us that He is the author of our lives, not us. When we chose to adopt a child we thought we knew what we were getting ourselves into. But after two years, mucho dinero, piles of papers, no baby, and returning to square one, it is confirmed that we can't even redeem our children.
When we moved we discovered that our previous home study was only worth "the paper it's written on." So we are starting that all over. Starting the home study all over means new reference letters, background checks, physicals, fire inspections, etc. Our family profile is two years old. We have a different house, different job, different family members. So that needs to be re-written. The agency that we had been working with is closing. We are starting all over. Again. But with less money. So much less money that we can't throw our hats into any rings.
We have the money to raise children, but not the gigantic chunk required to adopt them. Though my ability to find loop holes and strategize my way out of tight spots is pretty fine tuned by this point in my life, I can't do it here. It is not possible for us to adopt a baby. I've known this for about 6 weeks now. Those days have been spent thinking, worrying, plotting, pleading, stewing. We can't do it.
Perhaps the impossibility of the situation is what caused my sudden clarity of thought. Maybe it was because we renewed our passports the day before, "just in case." I'm not sure why God granted me the grace to finally understand my role in my family. I'm grateful He did, though. I'm not going to keep trying to orchestrate it. I'm going to do my part to get ready to adopt, "just in case." I'm going to love the ones I've got. If God has a baby (or two) for us, He will bring that/those child(ren) and the money needed to adopt him/her/them.
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26 NIV
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:30-31 NIV
Cartoon Credit: Frank and Ernest by Bob Thaves: “Paradigm Shift”, originally published on February 26, 1998. © 1998 by Thaves.
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